a { - gag! | ol ten) Vie eeeo eked Seah a : ba iis ince pr , oF “a | Tem «1 ue ‘on A Seek, ee ‘ ee CEES), ee 4 '4 a © 7 as 7 7 4 ¥ | eH G Wy a; ay SF f= 7's t t os =< ae : im 2 i id 5 ye ir Fes hae , . preter ie etn tala eee ate ae oO ~ ak all .— — oly ee ee om Crouch Alill, Joondon, N. Ye z ™S oS S S a> egies | Heage House, ~ ~~ : \e University of California - Berkeley THE PETER AND ROSELL HARVEY MEMORIAL FUND Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2007 with funding from Microsoft Corporation http://www.archive.org/details/cynicswordbookOObierrich \ THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK THE CYNIC?:S WORD BOOK BY AMBROSE BIERCE LONDON Arthur F. Bird 22 Bedford Street, Strand 190 Printed in New York, Oe 84. All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian Fan | PREFACE WirTu reference to certain actual and possible questions of priority and orig- inality, it may be explained that this Word Book was begun in the San Fran- b cisco ‘*Wasp”’ in the year 1881, and has been continued, in a desultory way, in several journals and periodicals. As it was no part of the author’s purpose to define all the words in the language, or even to make a complete alphabetical series, the stopping-place of the book was determined by considerations of bulk. In the event of this volume proving acceptable to that part of the reading public to which in humility it v PREFACE is addressed —enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sen- timent, good English to slang, and wit to humor—there may possibly be an- other if the author be spared for the compiling. A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape’s kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted. A.B. WasuHinctTon, D. C., May, 1906 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK nie beet Prey /s Bryn . Noo v, nA id we Ws) oe aN . = ss i aaey. oss ae Pesce The Cynic’s Word Book A ABASEMENT, x. A decent and cus- tomary mental attitude in the pres- ence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employé when ad- dressing an employer. ABATIS, z. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. ABDICATION, x. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. Poor Isabella ’s dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance ’t were unfair to scold her: She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she ’Il be no royal riddle — Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. GF. ABDOMEN, » ‘The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, 3 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and in- efficient way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world’s mar- keting the race would become graminivorous. ABILITY, x. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised ; it is no easy task to be solemn. ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be 4 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A abnormal, to be abnormal is to be de- tested. Wherefore the lexicogra- pher adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Who so attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hades. ABORIGINES, z. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber ; they fertilize. ABRACADABRA., By Abracadabra we signify An infinite number of things. ’T is the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither ? —a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom’s holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that ’t is handed down From sage to sage, From age to age — An immortal part of speech! 5 oR A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald and ‘you ’1l understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feet and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But “ Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad. Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!” *’T was all he had, ”T was all they wanted to hear, for each Made copious notes of the mystical speech Which they published next — A trickle of text In a meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In number, as leaves of trees ; In learning, remarkable — very ! He’s dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. 6 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A In “ Abracadabra” it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. Oh, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity’s General Sense of Things. Famrach Holobom. -ABRIDGE, v.z. To shorten. ‘When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” — Olver Cromwell. ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without cere- mony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author’s ideas that they were ‘¢ concatenated without abruption.” ABSCOND, v.z. To “ move” in a mys- terious way, commonly with the property of another. 7 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; ‘The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. Phela Orm. ABSENT, aaj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction ; vilified; hope- lessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. ‘To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman’s body is the woman. Oh, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go. But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead, Fogo Tyree. ABSENTEE, ». A person with an in- come who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. | ABSOLUTE, aaj. Independent, irrespon- sible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the as- sassins. Not many absolute mon- 8 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A archies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereigns’ power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. ABSTAINER,. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A Total Ab- stainer is one who abstains from every- thing, but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: ‘I thought You a total abstainer, my son.” “So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught — *“‘ But not, sir, a bigoted one.” Gu J. ABSURDITY, xz. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion. ACADEME, z. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. 9 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ACADEMY, x. [from Academe]. A modern school where football is taught. ACCIDENT, z. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. ACCOMPLICE, x. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an at- torney who defends a criminal, know- ing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting. ACCORD, z. Harmony. ACCORDION, xz, An instrument in har- mony with the sentiments of an assassin. ACCOUNTABILITY, x. The mother of caution. 1o THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A “ My accountability, bear in mind,” Said the Grand Vizier: ‘ Yes, yes.” Said the Shah: “I do—’t is the only kind Of ability you possess.” Joram Tate. ACCUSE, v.¢. To affirm another’s guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who ab- sently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by the Prince de Joinville. ACHIEVEMENT, ». The death of en- _ deavor and the birth of disgust. ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. Toconfess. To acknowledge one another’s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. 1 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to, A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and “ intimate’? when he is rich or famous. ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. ADAGE, z. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. ADAMANT, xz, A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold. ADDER, ~. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. ADHERENT, z. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. 12 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A ADMINISTRATION, z. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to re- ceive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. ADMIRABILITY, z. My kind of ability, as distinguished from your kind of ability. ADMIRAL, x. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking. ADMIRATION, zw Our polite recogni- tion of another’s resemblance to ourselves. ADMONITION, z. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. F riendly warning. Consigned, by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. ‘Judibras. ADORE, v.z. To venerate expectantly. 13 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ADVICE, x. The smallest current coin. “The man was in such deep distress,” Said Tom, “that I could do no less Than give him good advice.” Said Jim: “Tf less could have been done for him I know you well enough, my son, To know that’s what you would have done.” Febel Facordy. AFFIANCED, #/. Fitted with an ankle- ring for the ball-and-chain. AFFLICTION, z. Anacclimatizing pro- cess preparing the soul for another and bitter world. AFRICAN, z. A nigger that votes our way. AGE, 2. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that re- main by reviling those that we have no longer the vigor to commit. AGITATOR, z. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors — to dislodge the worms. 14 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A AIM,z. The task we set our wishes to. “ Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?” She tenderly inquired. “Anaim? Well, no, I have n’t, wife; The fact is —I have fired.” G.-F. AIR,z. That nutritious substance so abundantly supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. ALDERMAN, z. An ingenious crimi- nal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. ALIEN, An American sovereign in his probationary state. ALLAH, », The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, etc. Allah’s good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man have wept ; _And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. Funker Barlow. 15 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ALLEGIANCE, z. This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject’s nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord’s anointed. G. 7. ALLIANCE, z. In international poli- tics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they can- not separately plunder a third. ALLIGATOR, z. The crocodile of America, superior in every respect to the crocodile of the effete mon- archies of the Old World. MHer- odotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that pro- duces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian. ALONE, aad. In bad company. 16 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone. Booley Fito. ALTAR, x. The place whereon the priest formerly ravelled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. ‘The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool. They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice !— no god will claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame. M. P. Nopput. AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. AMBITION, z. An overmastering de- sire to be villified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 2 17 ps oe ‘aide fo a ae A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK AMNESTY, x. The State’s magnanim- ity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. ANOINT, v.t. To grease. To conse- crate a king or other great function- ary already sufficiently slippery. As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. Judibras. ANTIPATHY, x The sentiment in- spired by one’s friend’s friend. APHORISM, z. A brief statement, bald in style and flat in sense. The flabby wine-skin of a brain That, spilling once and filled again, Voids from its impotent abysm The driblet of an aphorism. “ The Mad Philosopher,” Hare: APOLOGIZE, v.7. To lay the founda- tion for a future offence. APOSTATE, z. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only 18 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A to find the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. APOTHECARY, x. The physician’s ac- complice, undertaker’s benefactor and grave worm’s provider. When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary’s health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: «¢ My deadliest drug shall bear my patron’s name!” G. 7. APPEAL, v.?. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. APPETITE, ». An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. APPLAUSE, x. The echo of a platitude. APRIL FOOL, ». The March fool with another month added to his folly. 19 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ARBITRATION, n. A modern device for promoting strife by substituting for an original dispute a score of in- evitable disagreements as to the man- ner of submitting it for settlement. ARCHBISHOP, u. An ecclesiastical dig- nitary one point holier than a bishop. If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I’d eat all the fish up — Salmon and flounders and smelts ; On other days everything else. ‘Jodo Rem. ARCHITECT, z. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money; who estimates the whole cost, and himself costs the whole estimate. ARDOR, x The quality that distin- guishes love without knowledge. ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit, in which the statesman wres- tles with his record. yA@) THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A ARISTOCRACY, ». Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of govern- ment.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts — guilty of edu- cation and suspected of bank accounts. ARMOR, ». The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamp-post. ARREST, v.#. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. — The Unauthorized Version. ARSENIC, ». A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. “Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,” Consenting, he did speak up; “Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup.” Joel Huck. A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ART, ». This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J. One day a wag — what would.the wretch be at ? — Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god’s name! Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed, the populace the rites attend, Believe whate’er they cannot comprehend, And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature’s hairs that never have been split, Bring cates and wines forsacrificial feasts, And sell their garments to support the priests. ARTLESSNESS, ». A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplic- ity of his young. ASPERSE, v.¢. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one 22 ) THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A has not had the temptation and op- portunity to commit. ASS, ». A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art, and religion of every age and country ; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, 6. [I., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it isnota god; and assuch we know it was worshipped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobius, by the Capasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Ma- hometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinc- tion. From what has been written 23 A THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and mag- nitude, rivaling that of the Shak- spearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine, “Hail, holy Ass!” the quiring angels sing ; “‘ Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, the Mule —the Mule is thine! ” G. F. AUCTIONEER, nx, The man who pro- claims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. AUSTRALIA, ». A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfor- tunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. AVERNUS, ». The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal 24. THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of bap- tism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. Facilis descensus Averni, The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence. Fehal Dai Lupe. AVERSION, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam. B Baat, n. A deity formerly much wor- shipped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phe- nicians; as Belus or Bel he had the 3 a B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK honor to be served by the priest . Berosus, who wrote the famous ac- count of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word <“ babble.” Under whatever name worshipped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beélzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun’s rays on stag- nant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshipped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttle and Swig. BABE, or BABY, ». A misshapen crea- ture of no particular age, sex, or con- dition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antip- athies it excites in others, itself with- out sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for ex- ample, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyp- 26 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B tian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented The girls were contented. Now man is tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money. And so I have pondered This thing, and thought may be ”T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored. Ro Amil, BACCHUS, . A convenient deity in- vented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? Horace. BACK, ». That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contem- plate in your adversity. 27 B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK BACKBITE, v.¢. To “speak of a man as you find him” when he can’t find you. BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. BAPTISM, uz. A sacred rite of such ef- ficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is per- formed with water in two ways — by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. GF BAROMETER, ». An ingenious instru- ment which indicates what kind of weather we are having. 28 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B BARRACK, ». A house in which sol- diers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others. BASILISK, ». The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many in- fidels deny this creature’s existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and han- dled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward re- stored the reptile’s sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well at- tested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying eggs. BASTINADO, ». The act of walking on wood without exertion. BATH, ». A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with *y B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he’s boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he’s wed, Forgetting that his lungs he’s soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow. BATTLE, x. A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. BEARD, x. The hair that is com- monly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. - BEAUTY, » The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. BEFRIEND, v.¢ ‘To make an ingrate. BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given. 30 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaftable — wild ! See how he glares through the bars of his cell ! With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. Why did they put him there, father ? Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. His belly ? Oh, well, he was starving, my boy — A state in which, doubtless, there’s little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was “ Bread ! ” ever “ Bread!” What ’s the matter with pie? With little to wear, he had nothing to sell ; To beg was unlawful — improper as well. Why did n’t he work ? He would even have done that, But men said: ‘ Get out!” and the State re- marked: “Scat! ” I mention these incidents merely to show That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, But for trifles — Pray what did bad Mendicant do? Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. Is that a// father dear ? 31 B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK There is little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they ll send him to— well, The company ’s better than here we can boast, And there ’s — Bread for the needy, dear father? Um — toast. Atha Mip. BEGGAR, ». One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. BEHAVIOR, x. Conduct, as_ deter- mined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jam- rach Holobom’s translation of the following lines in the Dzes Ire: Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tue vie Ne me perdas illa die. Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. BELLADONNA, ». In Italian a beauti- ful lady; in English a deadly poison. 32 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. BENEDICTINES, n. Anorder of monks, otherwise known as black friars. He thought it a crow, but it turned out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. “ Here ’s one of an order of cooks,” said he — “ Black friars in this world, fried black in the next,” “© The Devil on Earth” (London, 1712). BENEFACTOR, x. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, with- out, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all. BERENICE’S HAIR, 7. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband’s life to save ; And men —they honored so the dame — Upon some stars bestowed her name, 3 33 Po. — a et ee B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK But to our modern married fair, Who ’d give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition ’s given. There are not stars enough in heaven. he 3 BIGAMY, ». A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy. BIGOT, ». One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. BILLINGSGATE, ». The invective of an opponent. BIRTH, n. The first and direst of dis- asters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was de- 34 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B rived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucome- don was the son of a cavern in Mount /Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. BLACKGUARD, ». A man whose qual- ities, prepared for the display like a box of berries in a market — the fine ones on top — have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. BLANK-VERSE, ». Unrhymed iambic pentameters —the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably ; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. BODY-SNATCHER, ». A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have sup- plied the undertaker. The hyena, 35 B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK “ One night,’ a doctor said, “ last fall, I and my comrades, four in all, When visiting a grave-yard stood Within the shadow of a wall. “ While waiting for the'moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About a new-made grave, and then Begin to excavate its brink! “< Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And, falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade.” Bettel K. Fhones. BONDSMAN, x. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another. Philippe of Orleans wishing ‘to appoint one of his favorites, a dis- solute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. ‘I need no bonds- men,” he replied, “for I can give you my word of honor.” ‘And pray what may be the value of that ?”’ inquired the amused Regent. 36 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B « Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.” BORE, ». A person who talks when you wish him to listen. BOTANY, ». The science of vegetables —those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling. BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a_ nose created in the image of its maker. BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. BOUNTY, x. The liberality of one who has all things, in permitting one who has nothing to get all he can. “A singleswallow, it is said, devours 37 B THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator’s bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.” Henry Ward Beecher. BRAHMA, ». Hewho created the Hin- doos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva —a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, main- tained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. ‘The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely — You ’re the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith, 38 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK B BRAIN, » An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to de something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high sta- tion, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civi- lization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. BRANDY, x. F THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK explain their explanations; when I remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its com- patibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, — recalling these awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. : FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compen- sation for their destitution of con- science. FORK, ». An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead ani- 1zo \ THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK F mals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God’s mercy to those that hate Him. FORMA PAUPERIS [Latin]. In the char- acter of a poor person—a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. “You sue in ferma pauperis, I see,’ Eve cried; ** Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.” So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied: He went away —as he had come—nonsuited. C.F 12] F THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK FRANKALMOIGNE, ». The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In medieval times many of the wealthiest frater- nities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, “What!” said the Prior, ‘* would your master stay our benefactor’s soul in Purgatory?” “Ay,” said the officer, coldly, “an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e’en roast.” ‘But look you, my son,” persisted the good man, “this act hath rank as robbery of God!” “ Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver Him from the mani- fold temptations of too great wealth.” FREEBOOTER, » A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexa- 122 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK F tions lack the sanctifying merit of magnitude. FREEDOM, n. Exemption from thestress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in practical monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known ; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell ; On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon the lung-impested blast Her clamors swell. 123 ~ KF THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK For all to whom the power’s given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion heaven And give her hell. Blary O’ Gary. FREEMASONS, ». An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies, and fan- tastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among work- ing artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past cen- turies in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and the Form- less Void. ‘The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Cesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoro- aster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great | 124 ; THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK F Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason. FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Ad- dicted to utterance of truth and common sense. FRIENDSHIP, ». A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but none in foul. The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. (High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, The tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad !) Armit Huff Bettle. FROG, x An amphibious reptile with edible kickers. When young, this - creature is called a Marywog or Thad- deuspole, and as such maintains a> tail, subsequently eschewed. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer’s narrative of the war 125 F THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK between them and the mice. Skep- tical persons have doubted Homer’s authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious, and industrious Dr. Schliemann has ‘set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was lobbied in favor of the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them /ricasée, remarked, with truly oriental stoi- cism, that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good voice but noear. ‘The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is brief, simple, and_ effective — “ brekekex-koax ”’ ; the music is apparently by that emi- nent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof — a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling them to jump. 126 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK F FRYING-PAN, ». One part of the penal apparatus. employed in that hell-upon-earth, a woman’s kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in scram- bling span-long infants that had died without baptism ; but observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. ‘Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of His Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the use- fulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the conse- quences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found 127 F THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK on the other side, rewarding its devotees : Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter: “ Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions. “ Now, broiling is an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. “ Go get one— fill it up with fat — Fry sinners brown and good in’t.” “JT know a trick worth two o’ that,” Said Nick — “J ’1l cook their food in’t.” FUNERAL, x. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expendi- ture that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies — they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire — we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it through the sky. Jex Wopley. 528 3 ———— at THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. G GALLows, mn A stage for the per- formance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for. man to die — Is where he dies the deadest. Old Play. GARGOYLE, ». A rain-spout project- ing from the eaves of medieval build- ings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiasti- cal structures generally, in which the 9 129 os G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK gargoyles presented a perfect rogues’ gallery of local heretics and contro- versialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer re- lation to the private animosities of the new incumbents. GARTER, ». An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. An order of merit estab- lished by Edward III of England, and conferred upon persons who have distinguished themselves in the royal favor. ———— oo ee eee eee GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of per- sons. It now means noble by nature, and is taking a bit of a rest. GENEALOGY, ». An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did 130 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G not particularly care to trace his own. GENTEEL, ad. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal : A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your ‘ Unabridged” presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents. GEOGRAPHER, . A chap who can tell you offhand the difference be- tweeen the outside of the world and the inside. Habeam, geographer of wide renown, Native of Abu-Keber’s ancient town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travellers bewailed their guide. Henry Haukhorn. GEOLOGY, ». The science of the earth’s crust—to which, doubtless, 131 ore G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up gar- rulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of mired mules, gas- pipes, miners’ tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons, and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises rail- way tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs, and fools. GHOST, ». The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. —_ srl He saw a ghost. It occupied — that dismal thing ! — The path that he was following. Before he’d time to stop and fly, An earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a ghost. 132 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved that awful spectre stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and then He saw a post. Fared Macphester. Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody’s ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of com- parative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own experience. There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or “in his habit as he lived.”? ‘To believe in him, then, is to believe that not only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, but that the same extraordinary gift inheres in textile fabrics. Sup- posing the products of the loom to have this ability, what object would 133 G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK they have in exercising it? And why does not the apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad with- out a ghost init? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grasp on the very | tap-root of this flourishing faith. GHOUL, ». A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of con- troversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs than give it anything good in | their place, but nobody now seriously : denies it. In 1640 Father Seechi | saw one in a cemetery near Florence | and frightened it away with the sign : of the cross. He describes it as ; gifted with several heads and an un- common allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and 134 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G explains that if he had not been “heavy with eating”? he would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished a crimi- nal should have been ducked in a tank of rose-water.) The water turned at once to blood “and so con- _tynues unto ys daye.” The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the last century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a priest at their head, bearing a cruci- fix, entered and captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the semblance of a well-known citi- zen, but was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of 135 G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK hideous popular orgies. The citi- zen whose shape the demon had as- sumed was so affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself in. Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. GLUTTON, x. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by commit- ting dyspepsia. GNOME, ». In North-European my- thology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he fre- quently saw them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Lud- wig Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our compu- 136 a =a THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G tations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that the gnomes probably became extinct about 1640. GNOSTICS, ». A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion be- tween the early Christians and the Platonists. ‘The former would not go into the caucus and the combina- tion failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. GNU, ». An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state re- sembles a horse, a buffalo, and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake, and a cyclone. A hunter from Kew caught a distant view Of a peacefully meditative gnu, And he said: “I?ll pursue, and my hands imbrue In its blood at a closer interview.” But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw O’er the top of a palm that adjacent grew ; And he said as he flew: “ It is well I withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu.” Farn Leffer. 137 G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. GOOSE, x. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird’s intellectual energies and emo- tional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an “author,” there results a very fair and accurate tran- script of the fowl’s thought and feel- ing. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to-be very great geese indeed. GORGON, 2. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old : 138 | THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G Who looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. GOUT, ». A physician’s name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia, and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving with- out salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing. GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances upon our understanding. GRAPE, 1. Hail noble fruit !— by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam ; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am, da G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK The lyre my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer : My humbler service pray accept — Ill help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor — Ill gladly bare their belly-tanks And tap them with my sticker. Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e’er we let the wine rest. Here’s death to Prohibition’s fools And every kind of vine-pest ! Famrach Holobom. GRAPESHOT, ». An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. GRAVE, ». A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. Beside a lonely grave I stood — With brambles ’t was encumbered ; The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. A rustic standing near, I said: «He cannot hear it blowing!” “ ?Course not,” said he: ‘ the feller’s dead — He can’t hear nowt that’s going.” 140 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G “ Too true,” I said; “ alas, too true — No sounds his sense can quicken!” “ Well, Mister, wot is that to you? — The deadster ain’t a kickin’.” I knelt and prayed: ‘*O Father smile On him, and mercy show him! ” That countryman looked on the while, And said: ** Ye did n’t know him.’’ ; Pobeter Dunk. GRAVITATION, », The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain — the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one an- other. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. GREAT, adj. “Tm great,” the Lion said —“I reign The monarch of the wood and plain! ” The Elephant replied: ‘I’m great — _No quadruped can match my weight ‘7 141 G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK “T’m great — no animal has half So long a neck!” said the Giraffe. “I’m great,” the Kangaroo said — “ see My caudal muscularity |” The ’Possum said: “I ’im great — behold, My tail is lithe and bald and cold!” An Oyster fried was understood To say: “I’m great because 1’m good!” Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the list, And Braywell thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass. : Arion Spurl Doke. GUILLOTINE, ». A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoul- ders with good reason. In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned and ingenious Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture —the shrug —among French- men, that they are descended from turtles, and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracting the head in- | 142 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G side the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an au- thority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions — lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was un- known. I have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror in- spired by the guillotine during the period of that instrument’s awful activity. GUNPOWDER, ». Anagency employed by civilized nations for the settle- ment of disputes which might be- come troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed’ to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evi- dence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to kill angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some sup- 143 — G THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK port from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concur- rence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. Secre- tary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that ; occurred on the Government ex- perimental farm in the District of Columbia. One day, some years ago, some rogue, imperfectly reverent of his profound attainments and per- sonal character, presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flab- bergastor, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. _The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward in- hume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at 144 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK G once dropped a lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the earth had some- what dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pur- sued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement, and, dropping all, ab- sented himself thence with such sur- prising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak of farmer prolonging itself with incon- ceivable rapidity through seven vil- lages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. ‘Great Scott! what is that?”’ cried a surveyor’s chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading line of agriculturist which bi- sected his visible horizon. ‘That,’ said the surveyor, carelessly, glanc- ing at the phenomenon and again centring his attention upon his 10 145 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK instrument, “is the Meridian of Washington.” H Haseas corpus. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail and asked how he likes it. HABIT, ». A shackle for the free. HADES, n. The lower world; the resi- dence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there ina very comfortable kind of way. In- deed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of 146 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word “ Hades”’ as “ Hell’; but a con- scientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectionable word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of Winches- ter, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with con- siderable excitement: ‘ Gentlemen, somebody has been razing ‘ Hell’ here!” Years afterwards the good prelate’s death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable, and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. HAG, » An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called 147 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus— hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a “beautiful hag, all smiles,” much as Shakespeare said, “‘sweet wench.” It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag —that pleasure is reserved for her grandchildren. HALF, x. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In the four- teenth century a heated discussion arose among the theologists and philosophers as to whether Omnis- cience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the 148 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H proposition in some signal and un- mistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer, Manu- tius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper. HALO, ». Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with ‘“‘aureola,”’ or ‘“ nimbus,’ a some- what similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred asa sign of supe- rior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop’s mitre, or the Pope’s tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling 149 tM NERC Bees H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK hay from the sacred manger is simi- larly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. HAND, ». A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and com- monly thrust into somebody’s pocket. HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare’s introducing it into the play of — “ Othello” is an anachronism: Des- damona dried her nose with her coat-tails as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done in our own day —an evidence that revolu- tions sometimes go backward. 150 SS ee THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been or- dered —the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody ques- tioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen. HAPPINESS, ». An agreeble sensation arising from contemplating the mis- ery of another. HARANGUE, ». A speech by an oppo- nent, who is known as an harang- outang. HARBOR, » A place where ships tak- ing shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs. 151 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last cen- tury and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal contro- versies and dissensions. HASH, x. There is no definition for this word—nobody knows what hash is. HATCHET, x, A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. “ O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing,’ the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man’s head. Fohn Lukkus. HATRED, n. The sentiment appropri- ate to the occasion of another’s suc- cess or superiority. HEAD-MONEY, ». A capitation or poll. tax. 152 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure’s highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue. “So great,” Said they, ‘are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collect Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect : How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t’other nine?” The monarch asked them in reply : “¢ Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy ?” “Tt has,” the spokesman said: “ we sold All of our gay garrotes of gold ; With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser’s joy Who hoards, with greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires.” Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. “Your state is desperate, no question ; Pray favor me with a suggestion.” ‘QO King of Men,” the spokesman said, 153 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK “< If you “ll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue Well cheerfully divide with you.” As flashes of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud’s sullen gloom, The king smiled grimly... ‘ I decree That it be so— and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they ’re bound and you are free, *T were well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. Ill leave you now while you confer With my most trusted minister.” The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed ! G. F. HEARSE, n. Death’s baby-carriage. HEART, ». An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this use- ful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments — a very pretty fancy which, however, is noth- 154 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H ing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by ‘chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beef- steak becomes a feeling —tender or not, according to the age of the ani- mal from which it was cut; the suc- cessive stages of elaboration through which a caviare sandwich is trans- muted to a quaint fancy and reap- pears as a pungent epigram; the marvellous functional methods of con- verting a hard-boiled egg into reli- gious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility — these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph on “The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion’? — 4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, 155 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Delectatio Demonorum (John Camden Hotten, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking il- lustration and support in the author’s account of an experiment made with a view to testing it. The stomach of a man who had died of a surfeit of turkey on Thanksgiving Day was removed and kept tightly closed until it was greatly distended with the gases produced by digestion. ‘The | compression on the neck of it being | then relaxed, the words, “‘ Praise God | from whom all blessings flow !”’ were heard with distinct articulation, as the swollen organ collapsed. It is nonsense to ignore, belittle, pervert or deny the significance of a fact like that. For further light upon this subject, consult Professor Dam’s fa- mous treatise on ‘‘ Love as a product of Alimentary Maceration.” HEAT, x. Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how he’s proving 156 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H His point; but this I know — hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. Trust an eye-witness — I’ve been there, my child. Gorton Swope. HEATHEN, x. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship some- thing that he can see and feel. Ac- cording to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. “The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison, He’s A Christian philosopher. I’m A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the crime Of religious discussion in rhyme. Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a modus vivendi— not they ! — Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I have n’t been built in a way To joy in the thick of the fray. For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an ’ist, An ’ite, an ’ic, and an ’er — And I’m down upon him or her! 157 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration — that’s all very well, But a roast is “ nuts” to his nostril thin, And he’s running — I know by the smell — A secret, particular hell! Bissell Gip. HEAVEN, ». A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you ex- pound your own. HEBREW, ». A male Jew, as distin- guished from the Shebrew, an alto- gether superior creation. HELPMATE, . 99 For it’s naught ye are ever doin’. “That ’s true of yer Riverence,’” Patrick replies, And no sign of contrition evinces ; “ But, bedad, it’s a fact which the word implies, For she helps to mate the expinses ! ” Marley Wottel. 158 ! i THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H HEMP, ». A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. HERMIT, ». A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. HERS, pron. His. HIBERNATE, v.». To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottoms of the 159 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK brooks, clinging together in globular masses. ‘They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Escobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who hibernated. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view is strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who does not wish any honors de- nied to the memory of the Founder of his family. HIPPOGRIFF, x. An animal (now ex- tinct) which was half horse and half — grifin. The griffin was itself a com- pound creature, half lion and half eagle. ‘The hippogriff was therefore one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of natural history is full of surprises. 169 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. HISTORY, An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown ’*T is nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish ’t were known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. Salder Bupp. HOG, ». A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy of its habits, the beauty of its plumage, and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; a cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is Il 161 Sa Hal . ae oe 4: 5s een > “ = H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Porcus Rockefeller. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resem- blance. HOMCEOPATHIST, ». The humorist of the medical profession. HOMCEZOPATHY, u. A school of medi- cine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases and they can not. HOMICIDE, ». The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, ex- cusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another —the classifica- tion is for advantage of the lawyers. HOMILETICS, ». Thescience of adapt- ing sermons to the spiritual needs, 162 i a ane THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H capacities, and conditions of the congregation. So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his moral purges and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination, founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one’s condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered — his pills so efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had ’em. But Slander’s tongue— itself all coated — uttered Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. Biography of Bishop Potter. HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legis- lative bodies it is customary to men- tion all members as honorable; as, “‘the honorable gentleman is a scurvy HOPE, ». Desire and expectation rolled into one. 163 an H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left — Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft ; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back ; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. Fogarty Weffing. HOSPITALITY, u. The virtue which. induces us to lodge and feed certain persons who are not in want of food and lodging. HOSTILITY, ». A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth’s overpopulation. Hostility is classed as active and passive; as (respect- ively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. ‘HOURI, ». A comely female inhabit- ing the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good musselman, whose belief in her ex- istence marks a noble discontent 164 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. HOUSE, ». A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe. House of Cor- rection, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the de- tention of appropriations and offend- ers. House of God, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. House-dog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. House-maid, a youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her. HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. 165 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK HOVEL, ». The fruit of a flower called the Palace. Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: “Ill grovel Or he ’Il think I bear him malice ”— A sentiment as novel As a chimney on a chalice. Down unon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle, Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle fummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and thin« himself a model. G.J- HUMANITY, ». The human race, col- lectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. | HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar auster- ity of Pharaoh’s heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. 166 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK H Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind Sees jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined — Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company. Alexander Poke. HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric dem- onstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old- fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane’s usefulness has outlasted it. HURRY, ». The dispatch of bunglers. HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. HYBRID, n. A pooled issue, 167 H THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK HYDRA, » A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. HYENA, ». A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the observant medical student loathes the creature, for he knows why it goes to the graveyard. He has met it there. HYPOCHONDRIASIS, x. Depression of one’s own spirits. Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot | Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps — “* Hypochondriasis.” It meant ‘The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy. HYPOCRITE, ». One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. 168 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I I I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammar- ians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Con- ception of two myselves is dif- ficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of “1” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the lat- ter carries it with the demeanor of the Impenitent Thief packing his cross up Calvary. ICHOR, ». A fluid that served the gods and goddesses in place of blood. 169 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said : “ Behold, rash mortal, whom you ’ve bled — Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!” Mary Doke. ICONOCLAST, ». A breaker of idols, the worshippers whereof are imper- fectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he teareth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.” IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been domi- nant and controlling. The Idiot's 170 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “ per- vades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything ; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead- line. IDLENESS, ». A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of untried vices. IGNORAMUS, ». A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having cer- tain other kinds that you know noth- ing about. Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: ‘‘ Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college.” 171 es I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Dumble said to Mumble: “ Truly You’re self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I’m denied A knowledge — you of all outside.” Borelli. ILLUMINATI, ». A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the six- teenth century; so called because they were light weights — cunctationes iMluminatt. ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy, and de- traction. IMAGINATION, ». A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. IMBECILITY, ». A kind of divine in- spiration, or sacred fire, affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. IMMIGRANT, ». An unenlightened per- son who thinks one country better than another. 172 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show. For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak. So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore — So humble and meek, you would vainly seek ; None ever was found before. Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with a minaret. There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: “ A little present for you.” 173 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. “If Id lived,” said he, “ my humility Had given me deathless fame!” Sukker Uffro. IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. What- ever in the long run, and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient, comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If men’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency ; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences— then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. IMMORTALITY, 1. A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend, and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. GG. FJ. 174 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I IMPALE, v.¢. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which re- mains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. ‘This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the Fifteenth Century it was widely employed in churching heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “‘stoole of repentynge,”’ and among the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one legged horse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is con- sidered the most appropriate punish- ment for crimes against religion ; and although in China it is sometimes awarded to secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases 175 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor impor- tance by what kind of civil or reli- gious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a con- troversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. IMPENITENCE, un. A state of mind in- termediate in point of time between sin and punishment. IMPIETY, ». Your irreverence toward my deity. IMPOSITION, ». The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of 176 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I hands —a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but per- formed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. “Lo! by the laying on of hands,” Say parson, priest, and dervise, “We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastic service. No doubt you ’ll swear till all is blue At such an imposition. Do.” Pollo Doncas. IMPOSTOR, x A_ rival aspirant to public honors. IMPROBABILITY, x. His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable ’t was, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred ’T was the most amazing thing they ’d heard — All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent, and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb — 12 177 I THE €YNIC’S WORD BOOK Scanned him alive, But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. “ What! what!” cried one, “‘ are you not amazed At what our friend has told?” He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf : “O no—not at all; I’m a liar myself.” IMPROVIDENCE, ». Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. IMPUNITY, x. Wealth. INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are sup- posed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet the 178 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I most momentous actions, military, political, commercial, and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. ‘There is no re- ligion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revela- tion is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly es- tablished and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Un- der the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single asser- tion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such a person as Julius Cesar, such an empire as Assyria. But as records of courts of justice are ad- missible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (includ- 179 I es THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ing confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still absolutely unimpeachable. The judges’ decisions based on it were sound in logic and inlaw. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there are no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unprom- ising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state proph- ets, some hint of its probable out- come; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds — the omens thence derived 180 la THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I being called auspices. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexi- cographers have decided that the word — always in the plural — shall mean ‘patronage’ or ‘“manage- ment”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatch- 93 ers’; or, “ The hilarities were aus- picated by the Knights of Hunger.” A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur. ‘ Tell me, pray, If —” here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed | His open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. An obolus (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then the slave proceeded: ‘ Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature? Never mind —I think ”T is writ on this”? — and witha wink Which darkened half the earth, he drew Another obolus to view, Its brazen face attentive scanned, Then slipped it in the good man’s hand, 181 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Who with great gravity said: “Wait While I retire to question Fate.” That holy person then withdrew His sacred clay and passing through The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!” Waving his robe of office. Straight Each sacred peacock and its mate (Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled With clamor from the trees o’erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple’s roof received their flight, For thither they would always go When danger threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: «« My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny success.” That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan — Which was (as well the crafty seer Had from the first divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently seize On Juno’s poultry in the trees. eh INCOME, ». The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary, and falla- cious; for, as “Sir Sycophas Au- 182 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I reolater”’ in the play has justly remarked, ‘‘the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it con- sisteth — coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s, own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments, and place, and all favor and acquaintance of per- sons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their service- ableness to that end; and their pos- sessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unpro- ducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an un- remunerate dignity, nor yet the pau- per favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.” 183 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK INCOMPATIBILITY, x. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibil- ity may, however, consist of a meek- eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both— as the poet Gilder and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “ Go heel yourself —I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we are incompossible,” would convey an equally significant intimation, and in stately courtesy are altogether superior. INCUBUS, » One of a race of highly improper demons who, though prob- 184 a — THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I ably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of zmcudz and suc- cubi, including zmcube and succuba, see the Liber Demonorum of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Chan- nel Islands Satan himself — tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless — some- times plays at zucubus, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy in- truder from their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; but Hugo is un- gallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test. 185 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK INCUMBENT, n. A person of the live- liest interest to the outcumbents. INDECISION, ». ‘The chief element of success; ‘‘for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is but one way to do nothing and divers ways to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from inde- cision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards’—a most clear and satisfactory exposition of the matter. “Your prompt decision to attack,” said Gen. Grant on a certain occasion to Gen. Gordon Granger, “ was ad- mirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in.’ “Yes, sir,’ answered the victorious subordinate, “it is a great thing to know exactly what to do in an emer- gency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—TI toss up a copper.” 186 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I « Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?” “Yes, General; but for heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the judgment.” INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensi- ble to distinctions among things. “ You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife, “You ’ve grown indifferent to all in life.” “ Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile; “T would be, dear, but it is not worth while.” Apuleius M. Gokul. INDIGESTION, ». A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of man- kind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plenty well, no pray; big belly- ache, heap God.” INDISCRETION, » The guilt of woman, 187 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one’s interests. INFANCY, » The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “‘ Heaven lies about us.” The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. INFERIZ, 7. [Latin.] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitiation of the Dz Manes, or souls of dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of make- shift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Lai- aides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ 188 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I and the triumph of Christianity, giv- ing him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The nar- rative ended abruptly at that point owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. ‘There is a fine me- dizval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pére Brateille, a pious but ob- scure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in consider- ing it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’s judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow— wow. INFIDEL, ». In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian re- ligion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See Graour.) A_ kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and 189 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbés, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, pri- mates, prebendaries, pilgrims, proph- ets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, ab- botesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonzes, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, ceno- bites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pas- tors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lecturers, church- 190 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suftra- gans, acolytes, rectors, curés, sophis, muftis, and pumpums. INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substan- stantial gud. INFRALAPSARIAN, ». One who ven- tures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to — in opposition to the Supralapsa- rians, who hold that that luckless person’s fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are some-. times called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam. Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray — An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. “”T’ was Predestination,’ cried one—“for the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord.” 19! I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK “ Not so—’t was Free will,” the other maintained, “ Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.” So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordinational freedom of will) Cried : “Sirrahs ! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye’s no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to —1’m ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. You — Infralapsarian son of a clown! — Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While you — you Supralapsarian pup ! — Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.” It ’s all the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown; And Adam analyzed not his blunder But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder ! GY, INGRATE, ». One who _ receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity. | 192) THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK 1 «All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. <9 Nay,” The good philanthropist replied ; “T did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified.” “Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight — 3 With veneration I am overcome, And fain would have his blessing.” ‘Sad your fate — He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state The man is dumb.” Arel Selp. INJURY, . An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. INJUSTICE, ». A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. INK, x A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote in- tellectual crime. The properties of 13 193 a oe I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ink are peculiar and contradictory : it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably em- ployed as a mortar to bind together the stones in an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infre- quently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. INNATE, adj. Natural; inherent—as, innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. ‘The doc- trine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and there- fore inaccessible to disproof, though 194 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it “a black eye.”” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s ability to con- duct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the supe- riority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases. IN’ARDS, ». The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gun- saulus, is persuaded that the mys- terious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Serviss holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact 195 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK that tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believ- ing both. INSCRIPTION, ». Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, pencilled on the Wash- ington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones : “In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body ’Il rise To join my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven’s gate. 1878.” « Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May gth, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds, Indigenous.” 196 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I “ Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth released the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias and Saphiar in the regions of bliss.” “The clay which rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to me to be S. Wood. O Man, let not ambition trouble you Is the advice of Silas W.”’ “Richard Haymon, of Heaven, fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874.” INSECTIVORA, x. “See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers, “ How Providence provides for all His creatures ! ” “His care,’ the gnat said, “even the insects follows : For us He has provided wrens and swallows.” Sempen Railey. INSURANCE, ». An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. 197 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Insurance AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house — pray let me insure it. House Owner: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be de- stroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. Insurance AGENT: O dear, no— we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. House Owner: How, then, can J afford that? Insurance AcEnT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith’s house, for example, which — Hovust Owner: Spare me— there were Brown’s house, on the contrary, and Jones’s house, and Robinson’s house, which — Insurance AGENT: Spare me! House Owner: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my 198 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I house will not last so long as it will probably last. | Insurance AcENT: Butif your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss. Hovust Owner: Beg your pardon — by your own actuary’s tables I shall prob- ably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to you — amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to burn before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could afford that, how could you? Insurance AGENT: Oh, we would make ourselves even from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. ousE Owner: And virtually, then, don’t I help to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way: You expect to take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not? Insurance AcENT: Certainly; if we did not — Housz Owner: I would not trust 99 I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK you with my money unless you did. Very well, then. If it is certain, with reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is probable, with reference to any one of them, that Ae will. It is these indi- vidual probabilities that make the aggre- gate certainty. Insurance AceEnT: I will not deny it—but look at the figures in this pamph— House Owner: Heaven forbid! Insurance AcenT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. Hovust Owner: The willingness of A to take care of B’s money is not pecu- liar to insurance, but as a charitable insti- tution you command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object. INSURRECTION, ». An_ unsuccessful revolution; disaffection’s failure to substitute misrule for bad govern- ment. 200 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I INTENTION, n. ‘The mind’s sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. INTERPRETER, n One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said. INTERREGNUM, ». The period during which a monarchical country is gov- erned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has com- monly been attended by most un- happy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to keep it warm. INTIMACY, », A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. 20! I THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew, And having each a pleasant sense Of t’ other powder’s excellence, Forsook their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears in cataracts expressed Their feelings. Then they effervesced ! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who won’t apply, That you are you and | am I. INTRODUCTION, ». A social cere- mony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The in- troduction attains in this country its most malevolent development, being, 202 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK I indeed, closely related to our politi- cal system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce with- out request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus: “We hold these truths to be self-evi- dent: that all men are created nice and equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quan- tity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another’s happiness with a running pack of strangers.” INVENTOR, ». A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers, and springs, and believes it civilization. 203 J THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK IRRELIGION, ». The principal one of the great faiths of the world. ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotch- man. v J J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel —than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for the Latin verb jacere, <‘to throw,” because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog’s tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the learned and renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on 204 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK J being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. JEALOUS, adj, Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can only be lost if not worth keeping. JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king’s household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludi- crous actions and _ utterances, the absurdity being attested by his mot- ley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever de- lighted to represent him as a singu- larly wise and witty person. In the circus clown of to-day the melan- 205 J THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK choly ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense’ of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional Disguised and there confessed her. ‘¢ Father,”’ she said, “thine ear bend down — My sins are more than scarlet : I love my fool — blaspheming clown, And common, base-born varlet.” “ Daughter,” the mimic priest replied, «“ That sin, indeed, is awful: The church’s pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. « But since thy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou dst better make him, by decree, A man of birth and breeding.” She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven’s taboo to palter ; Then told the priest, who told the pope, Who damned her from the altar ! Barel Dort. 206 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK K JEWS-HARP, ». An unmusical instru- ment, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. JOSS-STICKS, ». Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tom- foolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. JUSTICE, ». A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service. K K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cera- thians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called K/atch, which means “destroyed.” The 207 K THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK form of the letter was originally pre- cisely that of our H, but the erudite -and ingenious Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruc- tion of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other re- maining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great anti- quary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural—not to say touching —- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national mem- ory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an addi- tional mnemonic, or if the name was always K/atch and the destruction one of nature’s puns. As_ each theory seems probable enough, I 208 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK K see no objection to believing both — and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question. KEEP, vw. ft. He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: ‘ Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep.” But when upon the tomb ’t was wrought Whose was it ? — for the dead keep naught. Durang Gophel Arn. KILL, v.#. To create a vacancy with- out nominating a successor. KILT, ». A costume affected by Scotch- men in America and Americans in Scotland. KINDNESS, ». A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. KING, ». A male person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,” although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. 14 209 K THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: “‘ Tf I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly — No care nor grief to pester.” ‘The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,” The fool] said —“ if youll hear it — Is that of all the fools ative Who own you for their sovereign, I’ve The most forgiving spirit.” Oogum Bem. KING’S EVIL,» A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus “the most pious Edward ”’ of England used to lay his royal hand upon his ailing subjects and make them whole— “a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure: their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand They presently amend,” as the “Doctor” in Macbeth hath it. This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be trans- 210 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK K mitted along with other crown prop- erties; for according to ‘“‘ Malcolm,” “tis spoken, To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction.” But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the dis- ease once honored with the name “king’s evil’? now bears the hum- bler one of “scrofula,”’ from scrofa, asow. ‘The date and author of the following epigram are unknown, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland’s national dis- order is not a thing of yesterday. Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. He layde his hand on mine and sayd: “Be gone!” Ye ill no longer stayd. But O ye wofull plyght in wh. I’m now y-pight: I have ye itche! The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, 211 K THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The prac- tice of forming in line and shaking the President’s hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on “ strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery,” he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying “ sur- vival”»— one which brings the sainted past very close home to our << business and bosoms.”’ KISS, ». A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for “bliss.” It is sup- posed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony ap- pertaining to a good understanding ; but the manner of its performance 23:2 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L is unknown to the author of this dictionary. KLEPTOMANIAC, n._ A rich thief. KNIGHT, x. Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow —no more: We must knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, | Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, Knights of St. Gorge and Knights of Jawy. God speed the day when this knighting fad Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. KORAN, ». A book which the Mo- hammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. L Lapor, ». One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 213 pn L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK LACE, n. A delicate and costly textile fabric with which the female soul is netted like a fish. The devil casting a seine of lace (With precious stones ’t was weighted) Drew it in to the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of women were in that sack — A draught miraculous, precious ! But ere he could throw it across his back They ’d all escaped through the meshes. Baruch de Loppis. LAND, ». A part of the earth’s surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to pri- vate ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstruc- ture. Carried to its logical conclu- sion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living ; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy, and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recog- 214 ~ THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L nized. It follows that if the whole area of f¢erra firma is owned by A, B, and C, there will be no place for D, E, F, and G to be born on, or, being born as trespassers, to exist on. A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark that nature gave I have there the right to keep. They give me the cat-o’-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the flashing brine — I’m a natural commodore! Dodle. LANGUAGE, ». The music with which we charm the serpents guarding an- other’s treasure. LAOCOON, ». A famous piece of an- tique sculpture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their 215 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustra- tions of the mastery of human intel- ligence over brute inertia. LAP, ». One of the most important organs of the female system —an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contrib- uting to the animal’s substantial welfare. LAST, x. A shoemaker’s implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky. 216 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the fea- tures and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals — these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original juris- diction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimenta- tion. Dr. Weir Mitchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the dis- order Convulsio spargens. LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with the leaves of the vegetable aforesaid. In 217 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK England the Poet Laureate is an of- ficer of the sovereign’s court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. LAUREL, n. The J/aurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influ- ence at court. LAW, 1. Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. “ Clear out!” he cried, “‘ disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, *T is plain you have no standing here.” 218 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK IL Then Justice came. His Honor cried: “© Your status ? — devil seize you!” “Amica curia,” she replied — “‘ Friend of the court, so please you.” “< Begone ! ”” he shouted — “there ’s the door — I never saw your face before!” G. 7, LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. LAWYER, ». One skilled in circum- vention of the law. One of the chief duties of the modern lawyer is defense of eminent rogues by vitu- peration of “anonymous scribblers ” of the press — an employment which drew from that “ scurril jester,” Edi- tor Fum, of “The Daily Livercom- plaint,” the hortatory words here following : Take notice, lawyers all. For many a year Your cheerful tribe (I mean to stint your cheer) When hired to cheat the gallows of its prey Or turn the law-dogs’ noses all astray From a thief’s track, and take of what he stole The lion’s share —that is to say, the whole — Have deemed it right his grievance to redress 219 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK With fine philippics on the brutal press That persecutes a blameless soul — alas, How angels suffer from the felon class ! Now mark ye, lawless lawyers, if ye still Shall think it-well to serve a client ill, Accept his money on the false pretense That slander of accusers is defense, Deal out damnation to sustain his hope And handle without gloves all things but soap, I’m for retaliation. Hear me swear, With head uncovered and with hand in air, By that sole deity whom lawyers hold In pious reverence, Almighty Gold (Whose name, with deep hypocrisy, they spell, Pronounce and take in vain without the 1) My scourging weapon shall remain unstirred, Gracing the pinion of its parent bird. Ill let you struggle for the blackguard’s wreath And tear your tongues to rags upon your teeth | LAZINESS, x. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. LEAD, », A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers — particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of 220 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An in- teresting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriot- isms lead is precipitated in great quantities. Hail, holy Lead ! — of human feuds the great And universal arbiter ; endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud Fogging the field of controversial hate, And with a swift, inevitable, straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. O useful metal ! — were it not for thee We’d grapple one another’s ears alway : But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee We, like old Muhlenberg, “ care not to stay.” And when the quick have run away like pullets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. LECTURER, ». One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience, 221 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK LEGACY, ». A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine versés are those in which a word in the middle rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox : The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, ’twixt his snores: ‘“O tempora! O mores!” It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. LETTUCE, ». An herb of the genus Lactuca, “ wherewith,” says that 222 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, » “God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of com- pounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with pro- fusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adver- sary to eat of the lettuce with desti- tution of oil, mustard, egg, salt, and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Where- fore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song.”’ LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, 223 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole, (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an ex- haustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw. LEXICOGRAPHER, »n. A pestilent fel- low who, under the’ pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility, and mechanize its methods. For your lexicog- rapher, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered ‘‘ as one hav- ing authority,’ whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its , 224 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as “ obsolete”’ or “ ob- solescent’? and no man thereafter ventures to use it, whatever his need of it and however desirable its resto- ration to favor — whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense has no following and is tartly reminded that “it isn’t in the dictionary ’’ — although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary, In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own mean- 15 225 os L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK ing and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy pres- ervation — sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion—the lexicog- rapher was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create. God said: ‘Let Spirit perish into Form,” And lexicographers arose, a swarm ! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took And catalogued each garment in a book. Now, from her leafy covert when she cries : “< Give me my clothes and I'll return,” they rise And scan the list, and say without compassion : «« Excuse us — they are mostly out of fashion.” Sigismund Smith. LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. LIBERTY, ». One of Imagination’s most precious possessions. 226 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared round the palace: ‘“ Liberty or death!” « Tf death will do,” the King said, ‘let me reign ; You ’ll have, I’m sure, no reason to complain.” Martha Braymance. LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a news- paper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity ; for in truth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, though the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lick- spittling is more detestable than black- mailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself through- out, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. LIFE, ». A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in 227 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The: question, “Is life worth living?” has been much discussed ; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view © and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of suc- cessful controversy. “ Life’s not worth living, and that’s the truth,” Carelessly caroled the golden youth ; And in manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, “Go fetch me a surgeon at once!” cried he. Han Soper. LIGHTHOUSE, ». A tall building on the seashore in which the govern- ment maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. LIMB, ». The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman, 228 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L ”T was a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height — Higher, indeed, than I] think he ought — Higher than can be right. For the Bible declares — but never mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With others for sins that I’m not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his weakness, and though my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in, _ Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in question were made that way. As he drew the lace she made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: “ This boot, I’m sure, is too high to endure, It hurts my — hurts my — limb.” The salesman smiled in a manner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child ; Then, checking himself, to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he did n’t care two figs For her pains and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with speech and manner just Befitting his calling : “ Madam, I trust That it does n’t hurt your twigs.” G. Percival Doke. 229 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK LINEN, ». “A kind of cloth the mak- ing of which entails a great waste of hemp.” — Calcraft the Hangman. LITIGANT, ». A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retain- ing his bones. LITIGATION, ». A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. LIVER, ». A large red organ thought- . fully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were an- ciently believed to infest the liver ; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it “ our hepaticall parte.” It was at one time considered the seat of life; hence its name — liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven’s best gift to the goose ; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg pdazé. 230 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legumptionis Doctor, one learned in the laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this deri- vation by the fact that the title was formerly £ £.d., and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University 1s con- sidering the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D.— Damnator Diaboi. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custos, and writ- ten $$. y. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of con- sistency, who points out that Pro- fessor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. LOCK-AND-KEY, ». The distinguishing device of civilization and enlighten- ment. 231 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK LODGER, ». A less popular name for the First Person of that delectable newspaper ‘Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. LOGIC, » The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basis of logic is the syllogism, consist- ing of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion — thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore— Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. LORD, » In American society, an English tourist above the state of a 232 THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK L costermonger, as, Lord ’Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan, and so forth. The travelling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as “Sir,” as, Sir ’Arry Donkiboi, of ’Amstead ’Eath. The word “ Lord”’ is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence. Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering English lord — Wedded and took him to dwell with her “ paw,” A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don’t hesitate here to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth That Cadde had renounced the follies of youth; For, sad to relate, he’d arrived at the stage Of existence that’s marked by the vices of age. — Among them cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neat-fitting garments he willfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead ; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that looked like a blasted career. 233 L THE CYNIC’S WORD BOOK He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes\were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to the use of his A’s And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. His H’s —’t was most inexpressibly sweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair, and dismay From the land of the nobleman’s natural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell — suffering Caesar ! —in love with her dad! eg | ai f Ney be a, ieee . ei) oa aad eel ee te ee Rah = aur PAN) Be DAY wile Dre faa ala eo ee cae a " an fh y teas ‘ iF \ Pee Lok ges» PAS a Bo vary hy¥ rAK